My brother was told to hand in a creative writing piece for his English homework and enlisted me to help. As it is the end of the year we decided to have a bit of fun. Therefore as the story progresses it proceeds to descend into utter randomness.

Keeping in mind that it is his english homework I wasn’t able to make as many changes as I would have liked to the content, wording and structure. Note: the underlined and bold words (etc.) are there to keep in the spirit of epic randomness (no it is not because of some freak accident!)

A culmination of creative ability/randomness. =)


War of the Pink and Purple People Eaters (A true story)

He felt expelled and exiled, afraid and alone like a dog without its bone. Mark was part of the French foreign legionnaire which was a unit for foreigners who wanted to be part of the French army. The legionnaires were presently posted in Egypt due to the Egyptian war that had been going on for the last 5 minutes. The battle was caused by the discovery of a new Egyptian God called Ramozian. No one knows why it started or why it was such a big deal but the foreign legionnaires had to end the dispute.

Before they could go into battle the unit had to do special training to learn how to fight in Egypt’s arid environment and to be trained in the unit’s form of combat. But why, why did he want to join this select group of soldiers. Well IT all began on the 27 November 1428 with the tragic murder of Mark’s mother. He then made the fateful decision to get away from this nightmare and move onto better things… more explosive things.

Mark went to his special ADF recruitment centre. “I’m interested in applying for a job in the army where I can receive no contact with my past” he stated to the recruitment officer. “I’m sorry son but we can’t help you, by law every letter or communication, as you put it, received by the army must be passed onto the person it is addressed to, where that persons discernment and sense of style determines what they do with the object of communication in question. Besides, we can’t accept you because you have terrible grammar. Yardy har har!” Mark didn’t like the response of the recruitment officer so he turned to storm out of the building. On the way out Mark noticed a mysterious and mystical man who was standing erect in a dark corner with shadow splayed across his face, ranting on about a group of soldiers called the foreign legionnaire and pruning his feathers.

“I couldn’t help but over hear that you wanted to find a place where you could get away from it all” he said with a smirk. Mark then said “Where do I apply” with a bemused expression. The mysterious and mystical man standing in a dark corner immediately said “sign here” while pulling out a contract and a scythe. Desperately Mark grabbed the contract and signed it without a thought. The mysterious and mystical man then proclaimed “Follow me my child” as he grabbed Mark’s arm and led him down an alleyway. As they proceeded further down the alleyway the light gradually dimmed until they could no longer see her hand in front of her face.

Suddenly without warning Mark fell down a large crevice and landed in a dark, cold, wet tunnel, he was confused and in disarray. Mark didn’t know what to think, all he could see was a dim light further ahead of him. Mark decided that if he wanted to determine where he was he would have to follow the light. So he did, yay. As he reached the light he noticed he was in a round room. Suddenly some mysterious and mystical men lunged out of the shadows and started beating him with some rubber chickens exclaiming “Thou art a mewling clay-brained canker-blossom!” Mark didn’t know what to think, “This is retarded!” he thought, “What kind of rum-bellied scallywags are these people?!” Instantaneously a giant flying purple hippopotamus beamed into the scene. “Stop this madness” it bellowed as it was being struck by Harry Potter and sock puppet friends. The giant flying purple hippopotamus subsequently spontaneously combusted. All of a sudden Mark underwent a sudden, unexpected name change, he shall hence forth be known as Mr Popoe. The mysterious and mystical men were bewildered by this somewhat amusing spectacle, so they just shrugged their shoulders and kept beating Mr Popoe.

As soon as the mysterious and mystical men had finished beating Mr Popoe they left. Immediately after this occurrence the previous mysterious and mystical man from the recruiting centre appeared and said “You are safe now, let me take you to my special place” as he picked Mr Popoe up, twirling him above his head. As they started walking back into the shadows Mr Popoe noticed that the scenery had changed but he didn’t know how. All of a sudden Chuck Norris appeared and gave Mr Popoe $5, “You have more money than me now, I’m gonna kick you into Egypt” Chuck Norris proclaimed and then he round house kicked Mr Popoe through the wall into Egypt, Thus achieving the metaphor. “What the hell is going on” he thought. He looked at his hands and noticed that they had transformed into coils of rope.

All of a sudden Kevin Rudd appeared, Mr Popoe turned to him and sung “Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich women!” Kevin Rudd performed three back flips, sprouted some wings and flew into a sand castle. Mr Popoe was standing outside the door when suddenly he found a horse tied to a gold fish. He jumped on and shouted elatedly “Weeee pony, Weee pony!” There was an impetuous flash of light and the horse exploded. Mr Popoe was depressed so he slithered into a hole. There he began harvesting souls to build his army.

While prancing along with the three wise men a man walking towards him caught his eye. Mr Popoe ran up to him and stated “Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?” He then realised that to save the world he must create the world’s biggest Congo line consisting only of fish. He then proceeded to discuss this idea in a soliloquy.

Mr Popoe skipped through time,

With a large grin and Greg the mime.

One day while walking through the park with his cat,

He decided to shave off his hair and weave it into a mat.

Mr Popoe then remembered that he was at war,

And he tilted back his head and uttered a roar.

A submarine fell out of the sky and the war was over!!!!! Thanks to Mr Popoe peace and love reigned in Egypt for all eternity as the entire population realised that they belong. Pete was a cowboy, he liked treasure…

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